iLLFRESH!

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay."

I suppose I may as well just say goodbye.

Really?
It's like that?
What the hell did I do wrong now?

I'm definitely not as easily jealous as I used to be in the past.
But,
It'd be amazing to have a best friend actually be by my side again.
Someone who won't keep me wondering and someone who won't let me down.
I really miss having someone to simply share stories with.

The old days are long, long gone.

You have no idea how much of an ass I feel like for never getting a response or call back.
It makes me question why I should even call my best friend my "best friend" when I have absolute zero contact with her.

I don't care if you're busy. I don't care if you have other plans.
At least tell me in person so you don't have me wondering in the damn dark.

It may be all balloons and flowers on your side, but you have no idea how much you hurt me by having nothing to say at all.
At least make an EFFORT, please. I don't want to believe that you have an ice cold heart.

I'm human.
I have feelings too, you know..

22.

I think it's time to really grow up now.

I will always keep trying.
Because I care about you.

Another month gone by.
=/

Had a dream last night that I went home for Break, and I ran into you while you were working (at your new restaurant job ,apparantly). I ran up to you and you gave me the biggest hug ever, and it felt so real..
It was such a short dream, but it felt like so much happened. The feeling of "I missed you" just felt so genuine.
Not like this hasn't happened before, I've had plenty of these dreams, and it always happens before I get the chance to visit home. I guess it kinda tends to push my hopes up of getting to see you before I get home, which could be both good or bad..

I think the reason I bring this up is 'cause to be honest, the time this past December when I saw you, though I truly was happy to see you again, I feel like if I were looking at it in 3rd person, it would look like we haven't seen each other in a week rather than 5 or 6 months ago? I do love that we got to catch up a bit and run aroudn wal mart and all that, but I think I'm clinging to the feeling of how we were 3 years ago, where we wouldn't see each other for like merely 3 days and we'd hang out again the next day and act as if there were no tomorrow. I do understand that times are changing, but I can't help but cling to the feeling of those memories. In a busy time like now, I haven't had much that's helped me fly back down to earth and "make me feel alive". After weeks of work and school, I always just want something to make me get that "real smile", and because I've counted on you on that in the past, it's hard for me to ever change that. I know I know, times are changing. Apparantly I hate change.

Despite the hump we went through, you remain in my heart as my best friend. But that part of my heart, from time to time, just feels half empty. And somehow I always blame myself for that, I don't know why..

All I know that is I'm crossing my fingers for next weekend's spring break. I know the real you would probably warn me not to get my hopes up, but I can't help it.
I need that I-missed-you smile and that best friend hug.